-Ice Cream-

The sky was darkening with the sun disappearing behind the mountain scape, the air was starting to cool down from the summer heat. The voices of children died off, it was just me and couple of friends that sat on the little plastic chairs that hung high in the air. We all gazed upon the color changing skies as if it were a magical spectacular show dancing before us, it really was a beauty. Words wouldn't be able to capture the true essences of the scene that day, if I could describe it in one word I wouldn't be able to. There was a saddening overall feeling to that moment as we watched the last bit of the sun tip its way past the mountain and vanish, just like that.

All was quiet.

Then in the midst of the park that we sat in a soft twinkling melody drifted its way up the second level park on pathfinder through the wind passage. At first, it was dim and not really noticeable, but soon it was loud enough for us to recognize it as an ice cream truck's jingling music. One that we hear often when we were younger, we hadn't seen one since we were in grade school. We all glanced at each other with perplexity, even at this time of year it was a bit early for ice cream, even though socal was known for their early hot weathers. Plus, out of all the times that it should be here, this was the first encounter in years. So of course, we all rushed down the plastic ropes and ran forward with our money out.

The cool taste of vanilla and chocolate drifted its way down my throat with a satisfying taste, it made my lips tingle with a soft sensation that undeniably marked a smile on my face. We had all climbed back onto the the little seats in the air licking our newly bought popsicles in hand, continuing our lingering gaze in the never-ending sky.

-Awakening-

Flipping through her diary, page by page, made my mind reel with thoughts. My hands trembled and my body shook with sadness, yet at the same time I wanted to laugh.

- - - - - - - - - - X

"Do not rush. Do not get greedy. Do not give up. Everybody takes a step at a time. You're not the only one that's hurting in the world. The ones that can not be understood and the ones that cannot understand are both to be pitied. If I were a flower, my life is yet to be born. This beginning of my youth with no regrets I will treasure it. Mom, within my heart, there's always you that has always believed in me. Please take care of me always. For always causing you to worry, I'm sorry.

I wonder why this illness chose me.. It simply cannot be chalked up to destiny. I want to invent a time machine to go back to the past, if I hadn't fallen ill I'm sure I would've been in love. I want to cling onto someone... So much that I can't stand it, I won't say that I want to go back to those days. I want to.. accept myself as I am... and live on. Although at times, I'm hurt by heartless stares, there are also times people look kindly upon me. Even so, I still want to be here. Because this is where I belong. So what if I fall? All I have to do is get back up again. If I look up at the sky as I fall, the blue sky is still vast, and smiling at me. People shouldn't live in the past. Just do what you can, and it'll be alright.

Mom... will I.. ever be able to marry?"

- Aya Kito, 1973

ありごと,

There's a story hidden in the folds of the books that no one ever gets to see, a part of the book that no one notices. I myself hadn't notice it till I discovered it in the books of an antique library. I pull out the book from the dusty shelf and pry it open with my delicate hands. I could see that the pages were worn and yellowed from time and water damage, but that was alright I could still make out the words. The very fine delicate words that were carefully written across each page. I skimmed through the beginning and landed in the middle where the magic happened, there creased in the middle was a picture of a boy with his arms around a girl's shoulders. They were smiling and hugging each other, at first glance they could've easily been mistakened for lovers. But I knew better.

I've read and reread the story who knows how many times, but I never got tired of it. The secrets that they have taught me were invaluable. Things that I probably would've skipped out on if I hadn't been careful. I pointed to a particular line that said: "Let me tell you a story, a story of a girl..." that was when the smoke hissed itself from the pages and descended its way around me, wrapping it's tentacles in my mind. The basement disappeared and my soul landed in 19th century London.

"Let me tell you a story, a story of a girl. She doubted everything around her, her life and her friends. She looked out as if the world was covered in a mass of black and gray and she didn't know where to turn. She just walked in complete circles hoping that was enough, she wanted to be the person that everybody could love and adore- She wanted to shine like those around her.

Along the way she made so may outter characters that she soon realized that the actual her has disappeared and she wondered where'd it go to. Finally, she didn't want to hide behind the hard outter character that she formed- the person everyone knew her to be because once in a while she wanted to wear frilly, girly things too. She wanted to be herself, but she didn't know that that was her wish until finally it hit her and she wished one night to become her would-be self, the girl that she truly wanted to be. To be reborn again so she could start over and be her REAL- self.

The outgoing girl that once shined long ago within the star filled skies, she shined when no one was looking because she was afraid that people would know that she's insecure and shy. The girl that spoke out with no hesitation and second thoughts; she didn't know how to release her pressure. Until she met this girl with golden eyes that radiated with the utmost joy especially when she was with her friends. Within this group of friends this boy who loved sports and did the craziest things said something that hit her the most. He told the disoriented girl that is was okay to feel confused and it was okay to not know who you were and what your future is going to be because that's the fun of things when you don't know, because then you can be whoever you want to be.

Now she knows, and she's not afraid anymore, to not understand about some things in life because she has her whole life in front of her to find who she really is and be whoever she wanted to be. She has the freedom to search and reach out to grasp her dreams and her goals. Her wishes are all there before her and all she has to do right now is be herself then maybe one day, she can become her would-be self.. the girl that wasn't afraid to meet new people, the girl that isn't afraid to let her voice be heard. At least this is a start for her journey.. it's the just the beginning for her... And for once she's happy to be herself, the real her."

My senses came back and I took a long intake of breath before exhaling, my mind swam back from the words that floated itself into my head. I closed the book and gave myself a little smile, every time I open this book, it's always a different story.

[ありごと...あむ-ちゃん] (:

字, 诗-

Crazy World

Have no idea how you got here
Not sure if I'm glad you are
Is this twisted feeling something to fear?
There's something about you
That makes you how you are
"Good bye and farewell"
Or that's what we wanted to do
We could never tell

He's not exactly in his right mind
But that's perfectly fine
Down to earth - yet insane
What it's worth... Hell, yeah - no one's the
same
Because of you
I've gone crazy too
In your crazy world

Talk about the things we don't know
Words that don't ever seem right
Play with my emotions
Strange how I find myself
Trying to hold on tight
Grab on to anything
When you let go of yourself
And lose your being in everything.

-Ashley Tran

Cute

You're too cute, with that loud laugh
And that lopsided grin and hands in pockets.
Your slouching poster and the way you move
Your hands about when you are excited and anxious.
You're unbearably adorable when you try and try so hard
To make sure everyone in the room knew you were there.
That personality that screams, "Yea I'm different, but lovable"
It's just painful to see you get brushed aside, despite your best efforts,
Despite what your personality screams at others, despite everything you do.
So I just turn my eyes away, because I hate to see you crash and burn.

But unknowing to you and unexpectedly to me
You crash and burn, in my heart of all places.
You crashed into it and burned my heart
And now, I see everything that I once saw as cute
As ordinary, common, and unspetacular.
Why?
Because it has occured to me that you also see me as
Ordinary, common, and unspetacular.

-LGP

[It's like they took the thoughts right out of my head and into these beautiful verses of poetry that expresses the very thoughts that I want to show him and the world.]

-Almost There-

"Book?" he said with a incredulous look on his face as his fingers played with the side of the door. I nodded and pushed my hair back that had flown in my face.
"Yes, a book." I replied looking up at him, his bright orange hair a mess from several times when he mussed them up, it was like seeing him waking up in the morning. His eyes narrowed for a second as he thought about it.
"Want me to take you?" he asked and I shook my head with a little smile. "Where is it?" and I pointed over my shoulders towards my right.
"Right there.. you know next door." I lied and he nodded. I hated lying to him, always made me feel uncomfortable and squirmy to be untruthful to him, but I couldn't tell him that it was actually somewhere else in a different plaza altogether. But I could manage, I didn't want him to waste time on me as he was doing something for himself for once.
"Don't go far ok? Be back quick." He told me sternly like a mother or something and inside my head, I laughed. I answered with a curt nod and turned my back on him and walked away not turning around for a second glance.

Even if it was because he was short on time... what really surprised me was the sound of concern that came with it when he said the last part, it completely took me off guard for a moment before I regained composure in my mind. I was happy to know that somewhere inside he cared, it was weird but it lighted my day even more to know that fact. He may not show it half the time but he seems to care, hahaha... Or maybe because he feared that I would run away again to places unknown like the last several times I was with him..(seeing him worried always struck me as weird). He doesn't like it when I pull those stunts and I don't really know why asides from voluntarily wanting to find me.. which is a waste of time because no matter what I can always find a way home. Also he seems to silently tell me that he dislikes my way of being alone.. I just noticed how many things I just seem to do that pisses him off! Imagine that! I was apparently pushing his buttons too without even noticing it. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I couldn't go inside because I would feel like puking if I was there to watch the careful process of choosing prom pictures it still pulls at the wound that's gently healing overtime. So I lied to make myself more comfortable and because I needed an excuse, I didn't really need a book.. I just had to find an escape before the bell jar comes crashing down again.

***
"Left!" she said loudly with an irritated voice and he changed lanes. I could feel the tension mounting in the car as we drove on and yet I couldn't do anything. The girl on my right was on the phone and talking bitterly into it, there was some complaints and there was some harsh comments thrown. Even then I knew that she was mad too, they all were.
"Fuck. Shut up!" he retorted angrily as he swerved left and all their weight was thrown against me. She pulled her arms across her chest and scowled out the window. She didn't have the right to yell at him like that I thought to myself, he was driving her not the other way around. She should've been more grateful that he was even driving as he was late to class as it is. As we arrived at the destination the girl hung up angrily and muttered something under her breath. After slammed doors and angry words the car drove on silently.
"What about you?"he asked looking at me from the rear view mirror, I glanced at him for a second before returning to look out the window mindlessly.
"I'll go with you to class, my mom will pick me up there." I said with a sweet smile, there it was again those impeccable lies that just seemed to spew out of my mouth. I really didn't want him to know that I was going to walk, a girl once told me that it made him felt like he was abandoning me or something like that. But he was late and again I could manage the distance. I didn't want him to get into anymore trouble because of us, it was the only reason I lied. Always for his sake, for he was always on my mind.
"Bye." he said softly and again I nodded as I stood waiting as if mom was actually coming to get me, once I saw him safely inside I ran as fast as I could turning only once to make sure he wasn't watching.

I can't tell you why, but I am happy even with him near me.. I am happy. I can see the bond that's formed between me and him, the secret life that only we two know. A bond that is thicker than blood and skin and that takes understanding and trust.. I did it. I finally won his trust, maybe that's why I'm so happy to be with him.. I understand.

-Eternal Bliss-

'SWOOSH' The paper ball missed the trashcan and hit the rim and disappeared behind the foot of the boss that was standing near the doorway talking to the chef.
"You missed Dennis! I get to punch you in the stomach!" Alissa yelled flinging her fist at Dennis who started to scream and cower himself in the corner of the cash register.
"Gimme another chance! No one saw that I missed the trash can!" Dennis yelled throwing up his arms in protection. They all laughed and the air filled with this invisible happiness that seemed to flow right to my heart, silently and embracing.
So that was how my day began to shift again, I saw what I could have if I decide to just be with different people and that I shouldn't try so hard to make things alright because in the long run.. everything will fix itself.. it just takes time. ^^ Moreover I saw who I once was, that girl that didn't care what others had to say, the girl that laughed all her troubles away with a quick smile.. I was her again: My old self. I loved her every bit.. she felt like the sun shining out her happiness and all it took was just being with other people that were happy to be here. Now. I swear my cousin, Alissa, and Mr. Dennis were the happiest bunch of people I've ever met next to Allan, my dear sweetie. You can literally see the happiness radiating from their bodies, at first I glared into their brightness when they extended their hand and introduced themselves with this stupid smile on their face.. but it was contagious as the black world I was so use to faded away and the bell jar seemed to lift itself and I was free even if it is still suspended in midair above my head.. I was for once free again. I laughed so loudly that I couldn't remember the last time I actually laughed out loud like that. They were mere strangers that I saw walking in the hallway at school, but today for two hours I felt like I was part of humanity that seemed to exist beyond my reach but somehow I was there. This euphoric feeling is incredible and I love it, only thing is I have to give up something that's pretty much very important to have my happiness.

Life seems so bright!

A Comforatble Room-

I want to.. fall asleep in your arms under the warm sun of the sky..in the late afternoon of the summer, the breeze would lull us to sleep and slowly and gently drift into our fantasyland.

I don't think I want to think of Life without him. I couldn't fall in love with anyone else... Ever since I met him, the whole world seem to have changed color. I like myself much more with him in my life. The world would be black and white without him.. It was the end of summer and the beginning of fall of a new semester of high school: 11th grade. It was within the walls of colors and freedom to express where I first met him, his quixotic and and quirky smile had gotten the attention of most people, but me.. I held no interest. But some how... I was able to open up my heart to him and him only.. It didn't matter that I didn't know him I felt like some how I just knew he liked things simple yet complex. I was bored with my life.. Everyday I'm more and more bored than the day after..it felt as if Life was repeating itself over and over again until the day I died, I had almost everything.. I had friends.. family.. freedom.. but yet I never really smiled in pictures back then..and now I know why.

Ever since I started seeing him..I've been wondering what I should do. I'm sure I can't follow him. Becasue he's the kind of guy..who would rather be free, even if it means being alone. There's a part of me that thinks that we like each other, but..I thought just getting him to notice me would be enough to satisfy me. But I was wrong. His heart is as free as the wind, and no one can capture it. I'd have to keep chasing him forever..and I'd never catch him. I can't do that. I don't have it in me. I can barely handle my own life right now. I can't be with him..But I will still love him. I love his freedom.

Yours & Mine,

When everything's over.. everytime I put my hand together it would remind me of you.. the shape of your heart given to me time and time again..

Words,

Last
I.
While you slept,
I kissed you in the morning light,
on the lips, like you've always
wanted- but I always said no;
it's too Intimate. Too close.
I placed my mouth against yours, trembled there,
trying to memorize
the gentleness
of your breathing and
the slope
of your nose.

Passenger Seat
We use to share stories,
just you and me, in that car.
You told me your secrets and I told you mine,
we held nothing back.
But Time took you by the hand,
and left me behind.
Now I just sit there,
curled up in a ball, next to you in silence.
The stories and secrets all neatly packed away,
I sit there staring out the window of the passenger seat.

Phone
You use to call me every night,
I didn't have to wait, I just knew.
Hearing your voice at the end,
made the the night so much better.
It was what kept me connected to you,
when everything else seemed impossible to believe.
Now, the other end is quiet,
I feel it's all my fault that you stopped.
I wish...
I could hear it again.

Relationships,

"...Relationships are so fragile.. it just takes one thing.. one tiny little offense and it can snowball on you. And if that snowball starts to pick up speed god forbid.."

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies: will they, won't they and then finally they do and they're happy forever, gimme a break. 9 outta 10 of them end is because they're weren't right for each other to begin with and those that get married get divorced anyways and I'm telling you right now through all this stuff I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and you know in some cultures.. a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care cause I do.. believe in it. Bottom line, it's couples that are truly right for each other weighs through the same crap as everybody else the only big difference is that they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time if it's right and they're real lucky.. one of them will say something."

-Perry Cox

Sometimes,

it's the little things we have to see in life that makes it all the worth while, it shouldn't always be looking outside the box but what's inside, the finer details. Even if at that moment it didn't seem all that important in the long run in the future you'll realize what you've missed out, I guess even if I hadn't wanted to go on the trip to China I'm glad I did even if most of the time I was fighting with dad or I was sulking for reasons unknown I made alot of precious memories there including friends. They say it's like old objects that you find under your bed or you just keep laying around that you just can't seem to throw away because there's a piece of your life in that object no matter how tattered or broken it is it still holds a piece your memory or thought that was the most important at that time to make you remember and want to keep it around if you get what I mean. Sometimes it takes a shake or two to get through my head at how small and insignificant I am to the world around me because the world is so vast and because of my stubborness I refuse to look at all the smaller things around me and appreciate it. Even if I don't say it out loud I'm really really happy that I made this trip to China because as I left I left a part of me there behind, all of us did that day as we parted to go back home, back to the norm.

I really am gonna miss the days where it was just leisure and adventures anew, where we just laid around and napped through the evenings or went out to taste the snow in the morning. There was just something different, there was no routine. Somehow when I came back It think I lost something.