They say that patience makes the heart grow fonder, but it forgot to mention that sometimes being alone hurts too. Maybe it's the selfish part of me that's asking for too much, but... I wish there was just more time. At first, the thought of being further away from him sounded better in my head... At least I could miss him that way, but I had come to realize how much I hated it. I didn't want anyone to know, didn't want people to see this ugly side of me, but I just had to put the thought somewhere.
At beginning, I didn't mind (though I am not sure), but now I get melancholy thinking about it. I just really miss what we had at the beginning. Back when everything was easy and that I got to see him every week. Nowadays, I still do get to see him, but something changed. It's like before I knew it, reality came running back to me in no time. I know I should be thankful that he comes out of his way to see me, but there's a part of me that wants more. Even though I do, I'm just too gutless to ask plus it'd be selfish. I know I am... But I can't help it. He even pointed that out that I am, and although I know my own problem, I didn't realize how much it would hurt hearing it from him. I do try to change, but it's just difficult. And because that I'm this selfish little child, I see myself always hogging him away from his real life, his family, his friends. I don't want that. I want him to be able to be with them, and have fun and remember. It's possible because of my conflicting emotions that I feel like he's so far from me even though he's right next to me. It's like he's fleeting and I'm just here... Standing and watching him walking further and further away. The more I know him, the more I feel he's going somewhere far...
I'm only 18 and he's 23, our worlds are so different. There's a 5 year gap, to me, it didn't seem much at first, but then I realized that he saw the world so much more differently then I did. In a way, I don't understand anything that goes around him... The world that he lives in. He won't talk about it, and he won't show me, I'm completely clueless. Why do I get this feeling that he's protecting me, securely wrapping me so I don't get hurt? But I want to know, I want to understand and be able to stand next to him and not feel so lost.
I'm a hypocrite because sometimes... I wish I wasn't in a relationship... If it came to be this complex and confusing.
