A Comforatble Room-

I want to.. fall asleep in your arms under the warm sun of the sky..in the late afternoon of the summer, the breeze would lull us to sleep and slowly and gently drift into our fantasyland.

I don't think I want to think of Life without him. I couldn't fall in love with anyone else... Ever since I met him, the whole world seem to have changed color. I like myself much more with him in my life. The world would be black and white without him.. It was the end of summer and the beginning of fall of a new semester of high school: 11th grade. It was within the walls of colors and freedom to express where I first met him, his quixotic and and quirky smile had gotten the attention of most people, but me.. I held no interest. But some how... I was able to open up my heart to him and him only.. It didn't matter that I didn't know him I felt like some how I just knew he liked things simple yet complex. I was bored with my life.. Everyday I'm more and more bored than the day after..it felt as if Life was repeating itself over and over again until the day I died, I had almost everything.. I had friends.. family.. freedom.. but yet I never really smiled in pictures back then..and now I know why.

Ever since I started seeing him..I've been wondering what I should do. I'm sure I can't follow him. Becasue he's the kind of guy..who would rather be free, even if it means being alone. There's a part of me that thinks that we like each other, but..I thought just getting him to notice me would be enough to satisfy me. But I was wrong. His heart is as free as the wind, and no one can capture it. I'd have to keep chasing him forever..and I'd never catch him. I can't do that. I don't have it in me. I can barely handle my own life right now. I can't be with him..But I will still love him. I love his freedom.

Yours & Mine,

When everything's over.. everytime I put my hand together it would remind me of you.. the shape of your heart given to me time and time again..

Words,

Last
I.
While you slept,
I kissed you in the morning light,
on the lips, like you've always
wanted- but I always said no;
it's too Intimate. Too close.
I placed my mouth against yours, trembled there,
trying to memorize
the gentleness
of your breathing and
the slope
of your nose.

Passenger Seat
We use to share stories,
just you and me, in that car.
You told me your secrets and I told you mine,
we held nothing back.
But Time took you by the hand,
and left me behind.
Now I just sit there,
curled up in a ball, next to you in silence.
The stories and secrets all neatly packed away,
I sit there staring out the window of the passenger seat.

Phone
You use to call me every night,
I didn't have to wait, I just knew.
Hearing your voice at the end,
made the the night so much better.
It was what kept me connected to you,
when everything else seemed impossible to believe.
Now, the other end is quiet,
I feel it's all my fault that you stopped.
I wish...
I could hear it again.

Relationships,

"...Relationships are so fragile.. it just takes one thing.. one tiny little offense and it can snowball on you. And if that snowball starts to pick up speed god forbid.."

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies: will they, won't they and then finally they do and they're happy forever, gimme a break. 9 outta 10 of them end is because they're weren't right for each other to begin with and those that get married get divorced anyways and I'm telling you right now through all this stuff I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and you know in some cultures.. a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care cause I do.. believe in it. Bottom line, it's couples that are truly right for each other weighs through the same crap as everybody else the only big difference is that they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time if it's right and they're real lucky.. one of them will say something."

-Perry Cox

Sometimes,

it's the little things we have to see in life that makes it all the worth while, it shouldn't always be looking outside the box but what's inside, the finer details. Even if at that moment it didn't seem all that important in the long run in the future you'll realize what you've missed out, I guess even if I hadn't wanted to go on the trip to China I'm glad I did even if most of the time I was fighting with dad or I was sulking for reasons unknown I made alot of precious memories there including friends. They say it's like old objects that you find under your bed or you just keep laying around that you just can't seem to throw away because there's a piece of your life in that object no matter how tattered or broken it is it still holds a piece your memory or thought that was the most important at that time to make you remember and want to keep it around if you get what I mean. Sometimes it takes a shake or two to get through my head at how small and insignificant I am to the world around me because the world is so vast and because of my stubborness I refuse to look at all the smaller things around me and appreciate it. Even if I don't say it out loud I'm really really happy that I made this trip to China because as I left I left a part of me there behind, all of us did that day as we parted to go back home, back to the norm.

I really am gonna miss the days where it was just leisure and adventures anew, where we just laid around and napped through the evenings or went out to taste the snow in the morning. There was just something different, there was no routine. Somehow when I came back It think I lost something.

My, how the tables have turned...

Ok, yes Ed Elric is a fictional character from a manga called 'Full Metal Alchemist' and I don't care that it would sound stupid if I talked about him like a real person. He gets what's it like having a younger sibling that's freaking growing up right before your eyes and sometimes a person is just too stubborn to believe that it's happening because in that person's eyes he/she is still the 'wittle brother or sister' and it's the older siblings job to protect them from well... pain and suffering. Even if that older sibling hasn't been doing a real good job of keeping tabs on her younger sister and now she's dating... things that will happen in the future that she's just got to except: her younger baby sister is growing up and there's she can do to stop it. I wanted to give her space and let her grow on her own accord, let her have the freedom that some older siblings don't intend to let their younger sibs have due to fears of getting hurt? I don't really understand, but today the news sort of hit me full face front like a book sailing across the room and hitting me smack dab in the face, knocking me out cold. To me she was still lil' old her and always will be but she's grown up now, but I'll always treat her the same, as the way I think of her: the little tattle tale, back stabbing girl that I grew up with as my baby sister. She's so like Ed's little brother... Alphonse: the one with the sense and morals between us, the one who always knew what to do in times of stress and saddness, like Al my younger sister was the voice of reason in the family, she was patient when mother or father got angry with me or when a fight had just broke out among the family. It was always like to her to bring everybody back, but still the same blood run in our veins and the same temper underlies somewhere under all the layers of reason and patience. Yeah you can say that she's the ratioal one of the two of us. Whereas I'm exactly like Ed: we swore so much that it would land us in Hell for awhile and we're both hard headed and stubborn up to a point where it's hard to talk to us without getting angry. We block out anything that we don't like or don't want to believe in because the change scares us, we cry ourselves to sleep at night for all the sins from the past and we're both pretty narrow minded on what we believe in when we set our minds to it we'll stoop down to any level to get it done. We're both pain in the buttock and we have great pride in being the eldest ones in the family and our temper is easily set off, both of us are like ticking time bombs ready to go off. Not only that, we both share a simliar hatred towards our fathers in ways no one would really understand, because how can you hate your own father? Well words can't really describe it..only experience can tell you the truth in why we do. Only thing is... he's a much better older sibling than I am, Ed actually knows what goes on in his brother's life protecting him all the time, putting himself first instead of Al; they learn from each other... and Ed's not even real let alone be such a great brother even though at times his stubborness can really be a pain in the ass to handle.

I don't care what you think as you're reading this whether you think I'm ludacris for talking about a ficitional character like that, or that I'm over exaggerating things and being too emotional about such a small case: but it's important to me and if you can't even understand that than you can just kiss my ass and go to hell.

Temporary 3 day weekend ;D

So this week it was quite different.. it was quite funny actually.

Friday- So on Thursday night I was out almost all evening trying to find my English book and I had to go and retrieve my damn transcript for my summer school crap. So because of that I wasn't at school for the poster painting that I had promised that I would go to to [it was because of the mere thought of retaking APUSH over summer that made me hurry on over to Fullerton that was fucking LONG ass far away.] Well upon that incident I came home to find that something had happened during rally set up that now it was canceled which kind of sucked I was looking forward to it.. -___- the time we spent on the poster I was ready to win.. Well anyways Mr. Paul came and told us of a rumor that had gone around about a shoot up that was going to happen the next day and I swear it was mass hysteria online at night... it eventually turned out to be only half true.. but still 3/4 of the students stayed home on Friday including myself. I didn't do anything but watch TV and study all day.. but it was a good day. "Ditching is healthy for you."

Saturday- Went on a yacht ride with Connie and them people... there was like 20 of us? It was a lot more fun than I had expected it to be, the fear of being alone almost made me stay home and study some more [how pathetic] after I went to the DMV... but I think that was the thing... I don't care how silly it sounds but I think Fate wanted me to go... that the fact that THAT DMV closed when it was suppose to be opened.. I had nothing else to do that the circumstances made me turn around and be forced to go. The works of destiny and the force of fate erg.. how they work. We said hi to any boats that held people and it was fun cause most of them waved back except that one where it was a teenage girl and I could almost feel the attitude reverberating from her body... we ate a lot with the sandwiches and the snacks that my stomach revolted against me for eating so much as the waves crashed upon the ship and well you know the rest: we took like agajillion pictures ;). After that I we went back to Connie's place and kareoked till our voiced were hoarse and tired out... over all the trip that day was quite pleasing.

Sunday- Somehow I was so tired from the yacht trip that I slept for thirteen hours the next day and afterwards I woke up and watched TV some more then I did my homework. Went to Life for dinner and came back... what a boring Sunday..